Friday, June 26, 2009

A Valerie Retrospective
Part 4: The People

I promise, the last installment of the Valerie Retrospective!

So, have you noticed the common theme running through this epic analysis of boredom, sadness, and angst? It's people. It's my relationships and mostly the lack thereof.

I make my job decisions based on how they'll affect my social life. I choose my household by considering how it'll help me make friends. I define my home by where I feel most loved. You know, for someone who is extremely introverted and pretty darn reclusive, I place a lot of value on people and how I relate to them. These traits are not compatible. They cause me a great deal of agony. They inspire me to sing lyrics like, "It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy!"

Sometimes, they inspire me to download copy after copy of "Eleanor Rigby." I have the original version by the Beatles for when I'm feeling alone and straightforward. I have an instrumental version for when I'm feeling alone and metaphorical. I have a metal version by Pain for when I'm feeling alone and angry. I've heard there's a version by a band called Zoot, which I must acquire for when I'm feeling alone and wanting to enjoy silly band names that are also my car's name.

That song is depressing as all get-out, but somehow it comforts me. Eleanor Rigby and Father McKenzie are undoubtedly made-up characters, but their life stories are inspired by the stories of countless other people, who are alone just like me! When I hear that song, I think about those people, and I feel close to them and slightly less miserable.

But only slightly. I think it would be much better if I were actually close to people and not just psychically manufacturing a connection based on mutual unhappiness.

So, how do I accomplish this? Obviously, it's not by endearing myself to my co-workers. Clearly, it's not by relying on the good nature of my housemates. Certainly, it's not by rashly moving to a warmer climate where I know no one. I guess I'm going to have to rely on another strategy altogether.

My problem has always (at least since the time when making friends became so all-fire important to me) been that I have difficulty making the jump between being casual acquaintances who only see each other when fate brings them together and friends who make an effort to hang out together. It always seems so fake to me. So if making friends requires fakery anyway, why not skip the whole casual acquaintances part and jump right to the hanging out? I refuse to give out any more details about my thoughts on this topic, because my plan is not fully formulated, and actually there are serious flaws in it, but if it pans out, you'll surely hear about it. Oh, and if you want to help, make plans to socialize with me during the month of July! You can do it!

That's all for now. Thanks for listening to me as I commandeer a public venue to work out my personal problems. I'll try to make whatever I post next something of more universal interest.