Cuddling: A Dog's Guide to Next-Level Loafing

By Special Guest Blogger, Bilbo Baggins

In our last post, we mined the wisdom of expert canine, Bilbo Baggins, as he shared some napping tips he's learned over a 2-year lifetime of lazing about. Today he'll continue in that thread by digging deep into a subset of loafing that is beloved by humans and dogs alike!

The first half of my life was pretty awesome. I chased squirrels and balls and ate dog food and sometimes even human food! My human also left me alone every day, which gave me plenty of time for loafing. Then one day, my human stopped leaving! And, I didn't think it was possible, but my life became even more awesome!

As you can see, she has a thing she calls a "computer" in our house, which she uses for a thing she calls a "job," which she says means she's working. I don’t know how she can call it “working” when it doesn’t involve a bone, but I do know that it requires sitting in front of the computer, which is easy enough. If your human is working, you can help! The best position for working is with your chin on the desk and your booty in the human’s lap. Everyone is comfy this way! Working is so great!

Sometimes when I am loafing in another room, I will hear a dinging sound from the computer that means my human is probably going to have a meeting. I don't know what that is, but I do know it means my human will probably be talking. I love it when my human is talking! The best position to help your human while she is in a meeting is on her lap with your paws on her chest, so that you can easily bite at her face whenever she speaks. If you ever hear that funny ding, you should come running. You don't want to be late for your meeting!

 
Other ways you can ensure you don't get excluded from the workplace – and still get your loafing done at the same time – are: 

1. Surreptitiously interpose yourself between your human and her chair.

 

2.  Take up the entirety of her chair. At first, you might feel a bit guilty about this, because you are a dog and your human is glaring at you, but I have it on good authority that working is important for humans, and working means sitting on a chair, so you are definitely being helpful!
 

3.  Drape yourself over your human while she is on her chair. This is apparently the most effective of working postures. My human is always telling me to get off when I do this, which must mean that we have completed all the work! What a team!

 

One of the best ways to ensure lots of joint loafing time with your human is to have an out-of-control furry coat like I do. This means that once a month, she will have to sit down on the floor and groom you. The clippers will feel a little weird on your ear hair, but it’s worth it, because it means over an hour of non-stop cuddling and hand-feeding! This is a relaxing and cozy time for everyone involved!
 
By far the best way, however, to spend quality time loafing with your human is to do it when there are no distractions: no meetings, no tickly clippers, just you and your bestest favoritest friend! This is easy: just find your human when she is lying down, and position yourself on top of her.

The chest and back are classic options, but if you haven’t learned to cuddle with human legs, you’re missing out! When the legs are positioned properly, you can be fully surrounded on all sides by a secure, protective friend. Legs are way better than a dog bed, which is perfectly sized to your body and has no pokey bones and was designed exclusively for you to sleep in, and I’ll tell you why: because the legs are made out of your beloved human! How could any nest be more perfect!?

 
And that, my friends, is the pinnacle of dog comfort and lying-down mastery. I have no more to say...except a small reminder to any humans who happen to be reading this. It is inspired by a wise saying I would have seen once on a pillow, if I could only read:

“If you want the best seat in the house, you can’t have it, because it’s you!”

A Lazy Dog's Guide to Loafing

By Special Guest Blogger, Bilbo Baggins!

Life is hard when you're a domestic dog—so much human food to beg for, so many balls to chase, so many suspicious characters to bark at! Sometimes it's enough to make you just want to lie down and nap! But how?

Don't worry, our special guest blogger and expert on being a dog, Bilbo Baggins, has your hindquarters! With his vast experience in strategic lounging, he will guide you through a compendium of possible poses and get you well on your way to Doggy Dreamland!

A question I get from a lot of dogs is, “When I get the urge to loaf around, where should I do it?” 

The answer is easy: Any time your human puts something on the floor, that is an invitation for you to sit down on it. Outfits she has laid out for the next day and her yoga mat are the best of the best, but don’t overlook the less cushy objects either. Even the smallest shopping bag is a gift from your human and must be sat upon! 

Empty cardboard boxes don’t sound very comfortable, but what the human wants, the human gets! She will always take a photo of you when you sit in a box, so that’s how you know you’ve been a good boy!

If you haven’t tried sitting in the suitcase, you really must! This opportunity only comes around once in a while (usually when the human is planning to abandon you!), so act quickly when you see it! Your goal is to get your fur all over the human’s possessions so she doesn’t forget about you while she’s gone.

If the object you are lying on is too hard and flat for your liking, you might want to employ a trick I learned from my ancestors. Simply poke and pull at it with your paws and turn around a couple of times until it is no longer flat. You will have a bed of perfectly arranged lumps in no time! Definite improvement!

There’s one thing you shouldn't ever bother lying down on, though: your dog bed. Basically, if it’s got the word “dog” in it, you don’t want it! Freshly folded laundry is a better choice every time!

For some reason, my human doesn’t like me to sit on the couch (she says it has something to do with my tendency to puke on it! As if!) If your human is the same way and does mean things like put metal grates on the couch so you can’t sit on it even if she’s not looking and there’s absolutely zero chance that you’re going to barf up that combination of grass and dust bunnies you ate earlier, you can at least let her know how you feel by sleeping mournfully as close to the couch as you can possibly get. Much sad!

 

Pro Tip: One of my favorite places to get some shuteye is behind the toilet. My human thinks that’s because it’s a nice cool spot in the dog days of summer, but really I’m just trying to make her feel sorry for not letting me on the couch. Someday she’ll catch on!

 

In case you, too, are trying to guilt your human into sharing her couch with you, and the toilet trick just isn’t reaching her, try pressing your face into the leg of a chair. This sends a sure message of pitiful imprisonment. It’s a metaphor any human should understand!...except mine. I’ll keep working on her.

My friends, I am a dog of few words (in fact, I have said zero in my entire life!), but when it comes to loafing, I've barely gotten started! My human says she knows a thing or two about blogging, and that I'd better split this into two posts. So just steady... steady... 

And come! (back tomorrow, when I'll have another helpful guide to my favorite kind of loafing of all!)