Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I've got them all fooled.

On the memes (I haven't seen too many of those recently. Wonder why), one of the questions is usually, "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?" And my answer is usually, "I wish I were better at making friends."

Well, yeah, you all knew that.

But my second answer would be, "Sometimes I wish I weren't so good at lying about it."

A coworker today commented, "You don't have any defenses! You're probably the most open person in the world! I know you're the happiest!" What I wanted to say was, "No defenses? I have more defenses than a cactus! You just don't notice them because, well, they're expertly designed so you don't notice them!" I also wanted to say, "Happiest? Do you know that right now, my eyes feel almost swollen shut because I was crying all day? That cartoon-chipmunk squint I've got going on isn't there because I think it's cute." But I didn't. Because obviously I am not open at all. Instead, my response was a very fake laugh.

She didn't catch on to the fakeness. Does anyone? Does anyone besides me and my unfortunate readers know that sometimes the unflagging cheerfulness is my last-ditch effort not to drag others into the pit of despair with me, because I'm miserable because I'm lonely and I know that if I show signs of misery it'll just turn people off and then I'll be more lonely and more miserable than ever?

Why do I have to be such a loser? Why do I have to make it even harder by being dishonest all the time? And then, when I cease to be dishonest, why do I have to unload my burdens on people who come here for a nice pleasant read? I'm so sorry.