Hearts are breaking every day. The remarkable thing about them is that they almost always recover. And so last night, while I was in bed half asleep, (having my new recurring nightmare about receiving strings of very important instant messages but being unable to comprehend them, and alternately) thinking deep thoughts, it occurred to me to wonder, what happens when hearts break? And what is the mechanism by which they heal?
Judging by my obsessive ponderings, the answer to this abstract and thoroughly metaphorical question is apparently crucial to know, so let's consider a few possibilities.
When hearts break, do they shatter like glass? Scattering in all directions, leaving shards to injure anyone who touches them? Must you repair them by hand, laboriously gathering up the pieces one by one, fitting them back together only with intense concentration? A broken glass can only be glued with special resins, and it will always bear visible cracks. Is a heart, once broken, also doubly fragile and riddled forever with the marks of its past ordeal?
Being of biological nature, perhaps a heart does not so much break as "suffer," exhibiting such symptoms as oozing blood, cell necrosis, and neurological pain. In that case it would heal all on its own, over time, but it would never be the same afterward. Are broken hearts like wounded flesh, disfigured, scarred, still working but crippled?
Broken bones are biological, too. Maybe hearts break like bones do--screaming agony followed by months of dull aching. Properly treated, a broken bone can't be detected from the outside, and I suppose the same holds true of a broken heart. But however undetectable, a broken bone is always broken. A little too much stress can fracture it again. And I suppose that holds true of a broken heart as well.
Wouldn't it be nice if hearts broke like Silly Putty? Stretch them to their breaking point, and they snap, with a satisfying little popping noise and crisp-looking edges that are so fun to poke at. But put the pieces back together, warm them up, and, voila! Brand new heart! Like nothing ever happened to it!
I guess any of these analogies are possible. It's all in how the heart's owner looks at things, and how selective their memory is. In any case, now that Valentine's Day is over, you can be spared any more of my depressive ponderings and my relentless search for the perfect metaphor for everything. Next post, back to your regularly scheduled facetiousness.
Friday, February 12, 2010
That four-letter word
Guess what's coming... it's every single person's favorite holiday! In honor of Valentine's Day, let's talk about love.
There are many types of love in this world, including the type that's a many-splendored thing and the type that makes the world go round, but the type I would like to talk about today is the type that's like a cocaine addiction--you know, the type that you keep pursuing even as you see it steal your appetite, tear you away from your work and everything else that used to be important, and generally destroy your life from the inside out. When you want it, you'll do anything to get it, and when you can't have it, you go stark raving mad. Ahh, love--it's so beautiful!
I spend a lot of time being in love, falling in love, being in love with falling in love, being mad at myself for falling in love, and generally ordering my whole life based on how much in love I am at any given moment.
There is, in fact, a song that says, "Thou shalt not fall in love so easily." You should listen to it. It's entertaining. I often think that I should take this song's advice, but I never do. Perhaps that's because my heart is a notoriously bad listener.
Whenever I see it running off on one of its flights of self-destructive fancy, I say to it, "Hey, Heart? I think that's a bad idea..." and it says, "HA! I laugh in the face of danger!"
I say, "Hey, Heart! Come back here and be sensible for once!" and it says, "No way! You're not the boss of me!"
In general, my heart seems to be pretty generous and caring, and would do just about anything for other people, but it seems to have a vendetta against me personally.
One of these days, my heart and I are actually going to agree on something. For now, is anyone looking for a bitter, heartbroken date to cry with you all through your Valentine's Day dinner? Perhaps we can compulsively listen to Christian Brown's "I'm Stupid" bonus remix (with electric organ! Bonus indeed!) together! Or let's get back at our errant hearts by stuffing their arteries full of all the cholesterol we can get our hands on! Look who's the boss now!
There are many types of love in this world, including the type that's a many-splendored thing and the type that makes the world go round, but the type I would like to talk about today is the type that's like a cocaine addiction--you know, the type that you keep pursuing even as you see it steal your appetite, tear you away from your work and everything else that used to be important, and generally destroy your life from the inside out. When you want it, you'll do anything to get it, and when you can't have it, you go stark raving mad. Ahh, love--it's so beautiful!
I spend a lot of time being in love, falling in love, being in love with falling in love, being mad at myself for falling in love, and generally ordering my whole life based on how much in love I am at any given moment.
There is, in fact, a song that says, "Thou shalt not fall in love so easily." You should listen to it. It's entertaining. I often think that I should take this song's advice, but I never do. Perhaps that's because my heart is a notoriously bad listener.
Whenever I see it running off on one of its flights of self-destructive fancy, I say to it, "Hey, Heart? I think that's a bad idea..." and it says, "HA! I laugh in the face of danger!"
I say, "Hey, Heart! Come back here and be sensible for once!" and it says, "No way! You're not the boss of me!"
In general, my heart seems to be pretty generous and caring, and would do just about anything for other people, but it seems to have a vendetta against me personally.
One of these days, my heart and I are actually going to agree on something. For now, is anyone looking for a bitter, heartbroken date to cry with you all through your Valentine's Day dinner? Perhaps we can compulsively listen to Christian Brown's "I'm Stupid" bonus remix (with electric organ! Bonus indeed!) together! Or let's get back at our errant hearts by stuffing their arteries full of all the cholesterol we can get our hands on! Look who's the boss now!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
'Snow way I'm gonna use one of those bad puns like "snowmageddon"!
I remember the first year I lived in Maryland, all starry-eyed and in love--in love with the climate, that is.
After having spent the past four years freezing to death in Ohio (I spent the rest of my years before that in Ohio, too, but that was before I turned poikilothermic), I was charmed by the Mid-Atlantic's weather. I found Maryland summers to be hot and muggy and long -- just the way I like 'em -- its autumns to be mild and colorful, and its winters to last what seemed like about a week before getting on with the delights of my favorite season, spring.
Apparently my findings were wrong. This winter has been cold and long and snowy. The past week, I have pretty much done nothing but sit at home under a steadily accumulating pile of snow that now equals something like three feet. Twice now, my place of employment has closed due to road conditions. That never happened in Ohio. The street I live on has not been plowed, and since Friday, I have seen 5 separate vehicles get stuck on it. I think in general, Ohio is better equipped to handle large amounts of snow, but I don't remember ever getting 3 feet of snow in Ohio, either.
Hello! I didn't increase my cost of living by 42% for this! Someone turn off the snow and deliver me to Costa Rica!
After having spent the past four years freezing to death in Ohio (I spent the rest of my years before that in Ohio, too, but that was before I turned poikilothermic), I was charmed by the Mid-Atlantic's weather. I found Maryland summers to be hot and muggy and long -- just the way I like 'em -- its autumns to be mild and colorful, and its winters to last what seemed like about a week before getting on with the delights of my favorite season, spring.
Apparently my findings were wrong. This winter has been cold and long and snowy. The past week, I have pretty much done nothing but sit at home under a steadily accumulating pile of snow that now equals something like three feet. Twice now, my place of employment has closed due to road conditions. That never happened in Ohio. The street I live on has not been plowed, and since Friday, I have seen 5 separate vehicles get stuck on it. I think in general, Ohio is better equipped to handle large amounts of snow, but I don't remember ever getting 3 feet of snow in Ohio, either.
Hello! I didn't increase my cost of living by 42% for this! Someone turn off the snow and deliver me to Costa Rica!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Misguided strategies for coping with depression
Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly unhappy, I like to crawl into bed and cry my eyes out. Then get out of bed resolving to do something productive, and sit on the floor for 20 minutes staring at the bookshelf. Then turn around and spend 20 more minutes staring at the window.
Sometimes, when I'm sick to the teeth of feeling beaten down, I get in the fighting spirit, upon which I start compulsively thinking of inspirational quotes from pop culture.
During a particularly extended fit of gritty optimism, I once spent several days in a row trying to remember a song that I thought would be just perfect to describe my newfound attitude. I was absolutely delighted when it came to me: "Ain't nothing gonna breaka my stride! Nobody gonna slow me down! Oh no! I got to keep on moving!" Why don't I ever hear that song any more?
Sometimes, when I am tempted to revert to my usual puddle of grief, I think to myself, "Never give up! Never surrender!" That comes to you direct from Galaxy Quest. Yes, I get my chief motivational quote from a nonexistent trashy science fiction television series played by a bunch of imaginary washed-up actors. No wonder I always want to lie down and cry.
Oh well, sometimes I up the ante a bit and lift my inspiration from blockbuster science fiction instead--Independence Day! Consider this uplifting speech: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" Oh my gosh! A speech that rhymes! How cool! "We're going to live on! We're going to survive!" Wait, now that doesn't rhyme at all. What are you doing to me, Independence Day? You can't just start rhyming, and abandon it halfway through! Obviously I can't look to you for my moral support!
Oh well, bring me some more 80's pop then! Just don't bring the clothes and hair with it, or I'll never be able to stop weeping.
Sometimes, when I'm sick to the teeth of feeling beaten down, I get in the fighting spirit, upon which I start compulsively thinking of inspirational quotes from pop culture.
During a particularly extended fit of gritty optimism, I once spent several days in a row trying to remember a song that I thought would be just perfect to describe my newfound attitude. I was absolutely delighted when it came to me: "Ain't nothing gonna breaka my stride! Nobody gonna slow me down! Oh no! I got to keep on moving!" Why don't I ever hear that song any more?
Sometimes, when I am tempted to revert to my usual puddle of grief, I think to myself, "Never give up! Never surrender!" That comes to you direct from Galaxy Quest. Yes, I get my chief motivational quote from a nonexistent trashy science fiction television series played by a bunch of imaginary washed-up actors. No wonder I always want to lie down and cry.
Oh well, sometimes I up the ante a bit and lift my inspiration from blockbuster science fiction instead--Independence Day! Consider this uplifting speech: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" Oh my gosh! A speech that rhymes! How cool! "We're going to live on! We're going to survive!" Wait, now that doesn't rhyme at all. What are you doing to me, Independence Day? You can't just start rhyming, and abandon it halfway through! Obviously I can't look to you for my moral support!
Oh well, bring me some more 80's pop then! Just don't bring the clothes and hair with it, or I'll never be able to stop weeping.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
We know where you live.......
I have an Internet stalker. It's Amazon.com.
The other day, I was on that site, looking at the page for a particular toy. A friend had sent me the link. Two days later, Amazon is sending me emails, saying things to the effect of, "Ooooh! We know you like TOYS! Check out all the TOYS you can get on our site today! Look! We're having a special on these TOYS, but you better hurry, as the deals are today only, and we don't want you to miss out because we know you like TOYS so much!" [This email may have been paraphrased slightly.]
Amazon, you're kind of freaking me out. First of all, how is visiting a single page for a single toy any indication that I have a toy obsession? Okay, I may have actually looked at the page twice, on two separate occasions (how is it my fault my friend has that toy on the brain?), but still -- one toy, two times -- not quite a symptom of toy mania. Amazon's dubious tactics for determining my tastes notwithstanding, they're clearly watching my every move. They're looking for signs of weakness, ready to take me down. They're onto me. Have they bugged my house? Do they have an eye on all my loved ones? Should I be going into hiding?
I think Facebook might be spying on me too. The ads on that site love to flaunt the fact that they know my age and gender. "You're a 26-year-old female? Cool! You're eligible to spend 3 hours clicking through ads, then spend a million dollars completing 400 sponsor offers in order to earn a 200$ gift card to a fabulous store!" [This ad may have been paraphrased slightly.]
Although not quite so paranoia-inducing, the "suggestions" on Facebook operate on a similar principle, and make me roll my eyes in a similar way. "So-and-so only has 10 friends on Facebook! Suggest friends for her!" Yes, I suppose it's not unreasonable for Facebook to know exactly how many friends each of my friends has, and to even want me to help them connect with other friends. I suppose that's what you should expect from a social networking site. However, I think Facebook has enabled some people to take their social networking just a little too far. For the good of humanity, I think Facebook should add the following recommendation to its repertoire: "So-and-so has 1,428 friends on Facebook, and counting! Suggest an intervention for her!"
The other day, I was on that site, looking at the page for a particular toy. A friend had sent me the link. Two days later, Amazon is sending me emails, saying things to the effect of, "Ooooh! We know you like TOYS! Check out all the TOYS you can get on our site today! Look! We're having a special on these TOYS, but you better hurry, as the deals are today only, and we don't want you to miss out because we know you like TOYS so much!" [This email may have been paraphrased slightly.]
Amazon, you're kind of freaking me out. First of all, how is visiting a single page for a single toy any indication that I have a toy obsession? Okay, I may have actually looked at the page twice, on two separate occasions (how is it my fault my friend has that toy on the brain?), but still -- one toy, two times -- not quite a symptom of toy mania. Amazon's dubious tactics for determining my tastes notwithstanding, they're clearly watching my every move. They're looking for signs of weakness, ready to take me down. They're onto me. Have they bugged my house? Do they have an eye on all my loved ones? Should I be going into hiding?
I think Facebook might be spying on me too. The ads on that site love to flaunt the fact that they know my age and gender. "You're a 26-year-old female? Cool! You're eligible to spend 3 hours clicking through ads, then spend a million dollars completing 400 sponsor offers in order to earn a 200$ gift card to a fabulous store!" [This ad may have been paraphrased slightly.]
Although not quite so paranoia-inducing, the "suggestions" on Facebook operate on a similar principle, and make me roll my eyes in a similar way. "So-and-so only has 10 friends on Facebook! Suggest friends for her!" Yes, I suppose it's not unreasonable for Facebook to know exactly how many friends each of my friends has, and to even want me to help them connect with other friends. I suppose that's what you should expect from a social networking site. However, I think Facebook has enabled some people to take their social networking just a little too far. For the good of humanity, I think Facebook should add the following recommendation to its repertoire: "So-and-so has 1,428 friends on Facebook, and counting! Suggest an intervention for her!"
Saturday, January 23, 2010
From Zoot to...
It has been 3 weeks since the arrival of my silver Subaru. It is absolutely imperative that this vehicle receive a name, because otherwise, every time I talk to it, I will call it Zoot. Hauntings and/or identity crises will surely ensue.
So, for the past three weeks, I've been pondering the appropriate moniker for my new car. The process has been going slowly, because I typically only use the car once a week--incidentally, that is also the reason that the battery died, after I left an interior light on for days in a row.
Sometimes, I look at it out my bedroom window, asking it questions like, "Boris?" (No, that was already a fish.) "Wanda?" (No, I don't really want to.)
But in all these ruminations, one name keeps popping back into my head. Axolotl.
Clearly, this is the name for my new car. It makes perfect sense. Since Axolotls look like this:
(Copyright info for this image is on Wikimedia Commons)
See the similarity? I don't.
But you gotta do what you gotta do. Axolotl it is.
Here's to many more months of happy driving and no more dead batteries.
*Edit February 20: I renamed the car again. See the new post about its new name.*
So, for the past three weeks, I've been pondering the appropriate moniker for my new car. The process has been going slowly, because I typically only use the car once a week--incidentally, that is also the reason that the battery died, after I left an interior light on for days in a row.
Sometimes, I look at it out my bedroom window, asking it questions like, "Boris?" (No, that was already a fish.) "Wanda?" (No, I don't really want to.)
But in all these ruminations, one name keeps popping back into my head. Axolotl.
Clearly, this is the name for my new car. It makes perfect sense. Since Axolotls look like this:
And my car looks like this:
See the similarity? I don't.
But you gotta do what you gotta do. Axolotl it is.
Here's to many more months of happy driving and no more dead batteries.
*Edit February 20: I renamed the car again. See the new post about its new name.*
Saturday, January 16, 2010
SSDD
I know, I know, it's been a while since I wrote last, but my heart just hasn't been in it since I lost my trusty little sidekick. Also, I'm just plain lazy.
Since I last wrote, I have acquired new wheels. Here's a picture. This is my new Subaru Forester.
Mom just sent me the title this week, which means it's really mine! It also means I am going to have to register it in Maryland soon, a prospect which does not excite me.
As a self-proclaimed tree-hugger, I wasn't too thrilled about driving around an SUV, but you take what you can get. And what I got was pretty spiffy. Sunroof, heated seats, and best of all, storage space, storage space everywhere! If you're at all familiar with my tendency toward compulsive tidiness, you will know that this particular aspect of the new vehicle pleases me to no end. In fact, I was getting all ready to relinquish my bad attitude and fall in love with the car, until I went out this afternoon to put some stuff inside it, and the doors wouldn't unlock. (Electric locks--pshaw--I could definitely live without that little luxury.)
Well, I went around to the driver door--the only one with a keyhole, unlocked it manually, and tried, with some trepidation, the unlock button on the inside. Nothing happened. With a little more trepidation, I put the key in the ignition and turned it. Nothing. Not a grumble, not a click. It seems the battery is completely dead, and I have no idea how it happened.
Two weeks of ownership, and my new car is already incapacitated. It's like having a Neon all over again. Now comes the embarrassing moment when I have to ask strange neighbors if they will give me a jump start. And with me not even knowing how to open the hood.
Since I last wrote, I have acquired new wheels. Here's a picture. This is my new Subaru Forester.
As a self-proclaimed tree-hugger, I wasn't too thrilled about driving around an SUV, but you take what you can get. And what I got was pretty spiffy. Sunroof, heated seats, and best of all, storage space, storage space everywhere! If you're at all familiar with my tendency toward compulsive tidiness, you will know that this particular aspect of the new vehicle pleases me to no end. In fact, I was getting all ready to relinquish my bad attitude and fall in love with the car, until I went out this afternoon to put some stuff inside it, and the doors wouldn't unlock. (Electric locks--pshaw--I could definitely live without that little luxury.)
Well, I went around to the driver door--the only one with a keyhole, unlocked it manually, and tried, with some trepidation, the unlock button on the inside. Nothing happened. With a little more trepidation, I put the key in the ignition and turned it. Nothing. Not a grumble, not a click. It seems the battery is completely dead, and I have no idea how it happened.
Two weeks of ownership, and my new car is already incapacitated. It's like having a Neon all over again. Now comes the embarrassing moment when I have to ask strange neighbors if they will give me a jump start. And with me not even knowing how to open the hood.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
An elegy for Zoot
Today I bring you sad news. Well, actually, I'd be pretty surprised if it's still news to you, since I grievingly made it known to everyone I talked to in the past 2 days.
My beloved Neon, my trusty transport ever since I got my driver's license (that was 10 years ago), has sadly passed away at the age of 15. Zoot was a good hard worker but suffered from mysterious ailments on a regular basis that had him in the car hospital a good deal of the time. Nevertheless, Zoot kept his spirits up and had body art that made his mother (me) proud.
Well, yesterday Zoot blew a head gasket while courageously trying to make it to a dealership where he could have his water pump replaced. When I learned the cost of fixing said gasket, I made the difficult decision to pull the plug on my old buddy, and abandoned him to the capable hands of Roy's Quality Car Care, Inc. Zoot is a registered part-donor, and I can only hope that his bits and pieces (including his brand-spankin' new, 525$ alternator) will be used to help save the lives of other needy automobiles around the nation.
Zoot, if you're listening, I miss you! And I want you to know that even though I may have other cars in the future (in fact, I hope I get one soon, or getting to Baltimore for class this semester will be impossible), you will always be my first.
And now, some commemorative photos:
My beloved Neon, my trusty transport ever since I got my driver's license (that was 10 years ago), has sadly passed away at the age of 15. Zoot was a good hard worker but suffered from mysterious ailments on a regular basis that had him in the car hospital a good deal of the time. Nevertheless, Zoot kept his spirits up and had body art that made his mother (me) proud.
Well, yesterday Zoot blew a head gasket while courageously trying to make it to a dealership where he could have his water pump replaced. When I learned the cost of fixing said gasket, I made the difficult decision to pull the plug on my old buddy, and abandoned him to the capable hands of Roy's Quality Car Care, Inc. Zoot is a registered part-donor, and I can only hope that his bits and pieces (including his brand-spankin' new, 525$ alternator) will be used to help save the lives of other needy automobiles around the nation.
Zoot, if you're listening, I miss you! And I want you to know that even though I may have other cars in the future (in fact, I hope I get one soon, or getting to Baltimore for class this semester will be impossible), you will always be my first.
And now, some commemorative photos:
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Lineup
My Lineup
- Notepad
- Dreamweaver
- Media Player
- Photoshop
- Word
- ZSNES
- Excel
- IE Tester
- RealPlayer
At the top of my list is Notepad--appearing there because I use it to store the ever-growing list of "things to blog about" and refer to it constantly when blogging and write in it constantly when not blogging. I also use Notepad for - surprise! - taking notes! If I have something short and textual that I need to remember, I'll document it in Notepad. Longer, more complicated information gets written up in Word.
Second is Dreamweaver. I like to think that says, "Valerie is a Web designer." Frankly, I can't think of much else it could say! Who could AFFORD to own Dreamweaver without being a web designer? Fourth on my list, Photoshop, is there for pretty much the same reason. Except that it's also there because I'm compulsive. Not content to have my Facebook photo appear as shot, I had to intensify the colors a little and crop it to ensure that the important parts wouldn't be too small on Facebook. That was my most recent use of Photoshop.
But back to item #3. The first program on this list that isn't pure workhorse, Windows Media Player is my tenuous connection with sanity when I'm working on work (in which case I am listening to music of various and sundry types) as well as when I'm working on more artistic endeavors (in which case I am listening to audiobooks). It is also the program I use to play the practice CD's for choir concerts, but I'm done with those for a little while.
Item number 5 is Microsoft Word. Honestly, I can't think of a good reason why this program is so high on the list. I guess sometimes I use it to open instructive attachments from design clients... and I guess I have been using it pretty extensively to check and re-check the choir schedule... But I know for a fact I haven't been using it to write up long, complicated information. And sadly I have had no academic papers to produce recently, either.
After that, ZSNES. Bonus points to you if you know what this program is! If not, I'll tell you. It's an emulator used to play Super Nintendo games on your PC. ZSNES is on my Frequently Used Programs list because my current favorite pastime when I'm too beat to work on work or artistic endeavors is to play Earthbound, which is a pretty awesome little game with a pretty awesome little cult following. Does this mean I'm a cultist? Well, I don't know. I acquired the game from a friend, so I'll lay the blame on him.
Item number 7 is Microsoft Excel. I find this spreadsheet program invaluable for creating invoices for my freelance work. Also, I keep lists in it (such as Songs To Get, with columns for artist, song title, place originally heard, and places where it's available for download). As with Photoshop, this program makes the list because I am both a Web designer and compulsive.
The last two items in the lineup, I consider the "flukes." They come and go, and are rarely the same from day to day. In fact, since this morning, one of them has changed to InDesign (it says I'm a designer) from IETester (it says I'm a web designer, one who delights in the ability to run three different versions of Internet Explorer at once!). The other is RealPlayer, because even though Windows Media player is much better at keeping my stuff organized, RealPlayer is much better at ripping CD's. I have been ripping CDs.
So that's my lineup. What's yours? What does it say about you?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
A similar discourse about squirrels
By the way, I plan to make a whopping 5-day trip to Ohio for Christmas this year. If you're in Ohio and want to visit with me, get in touch with me soon! I will be there from Tuesday through early Saturday next week!
One of my readers actually wanted to hear me talk about squirrels, so, what can I do but oblige? Frankly, it won't be too much of a hardship.If the seagull is the top bird in the collection of "things that make me squeal with delight," then the squirrel is the mammal. The other day, I was riding in a car, looking out the window with a ludicrous grin on my face. No one asked me why I was smiling, but if they had, I would have had to respond, "I saw a squirrel."
Who can resist the allure of squirrels, with those big bushy tails, and the ridiculous things they'll do for food? The way they chatter when they're offended and squall sadly when they're unhappy? Have you ever seen a squirrel in the rain? They huddle with their tails over their heads and make woebegone noises. It's heartwrenching. Like watching one of those commercials for Feed the Children. Of course, wet squirrels don't make any effort to look for shelter, mostly because they're dumb as posts, but still, I feel for them.
I have been likened to a squirrel on a number of occasions. Actually, whenever people try to assign me an animal identity, it's usually some small rodent-like mammal or other. Probably because I'm just so cute! Or is it because I run around stuffing grain products into my mouth? It's true that when it's cold and rainy, I really don't feel like doing anything but huddle with something over my head and make woebegone noises. Whatever the reason for my association with the adorable vermin, I'm proud to be considered among their ranks! In fact, if you are familiar with me on AOL instant messenger, you will know my avatar is a squirrel.
Speaking of art, let's talk about squirrels in comics! The same friend who mentioned actually being interested in a post about squirrels also introduced me to this cartoon about squirrels, which was done by the artist of a webcomic that actually features squirrels pretty frequently, sometimes in conjunction with incomprehensible science and philosophy. Something for everybody!
And that same friend also introduced me to videos of squirrel fishing, wherein you get squirrels to do amazing feats of acrobatics by offering them a nut on a string. This is a lot more humane than fish fishing and much cuter to watch.
So, seeing all that stuff about squirrels out there on the internet, I have to conclude that I'm not the only one with a soft spot in my heart for squirrels. And with that happy thought, I think this discourse has come to an end.
P.S. If I had a tail, it would totally be a squirrel tail.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
More than you ever wanted to read about seagulls
I like what Anonymous had to say about my Wireless Conundrum a few days ago. Unfortunately, I had to delete his or her comment, because it linked to a whole collection of dubious websites. In fact, I don't think Anonymous really cared about my conundrum at all, and it was pure coincidence that his or her comment contained such pertinent wisdom: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
I have a pretty decent cell phone provider already. Why stress myself out about picking a new one? I like the phone I've got, and the only time I'm unhappy with Verizon (Verizon Verizon Verizon! Read my blog!) is when I receive a gratuitous text message. So yes, I'll keep the bird in my hand and forget about bushwhacking for a bigger better deal.
Speaking of birds, don't you just love seagulls? The rest of this post is going to be about seagulls, because it's about time someone gave them the attention they deserve!
I got started on this topic because I was listening to my dance mix CD and noticed that one of the less-listened-to songs on it (Wave, by RAH) has seagull noises! Whee! That made my day! I think I have to modify one of the criteria for my favorite music: Everything's better with a synthesizer, and everything's better with a seagull. After I heard that, I tried to think of other songs with seagulls in them, but surprisingly, drew a blank. I could swear there were a ton of them. The only one that I can think of that comes close, though, is Belfast by Orbital, which does not actually have seagulls in it, but the high-pitched whiny sound in it reminds me of them. Surely there are others! I even found a whole forum thread about songs with seagull noises, but I didn't recognize any of them!
Alas.
Well, the other great thing about seagulls is that, not only do they make cute noises, but they look cute too! Check out the multitude of seagulls that I photographed on my recent trip to California!
And then check out this fun buddy icon I made in honor of a Rolling Stones song that supposedly goes "No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue." Ha. We all know what the real lyric is!
But wait! There's more! There's the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video! Which is not only funny, but features at the end - yes - a seagull! Oh wait! There's one more video on YouTube featuring seagulls. You must see it. It's a true work of art!
Oh yeah! And if you visit The Silly Side, you might just read a story about a seagull or two! And after that, you will probably be tired of seagulls. I will never get tired of seagulls, but I will understand if you want to call it quits. I'll let you rest until tomorrow. We'll talk more about squirrels!
I have a pretty decent cell phone provider already. Why stress myself out about picking a new one? I like the phone I've got, and the only time I'm unhappy with Verizon (Verizon Verizon Verizon! Read my blog!) is when I receive a gratuitous text message. So yes, I'll keep the bird in my hand and forget about bushwhacking for a bigger better deal.
Speaking of birds, don't you just love seagulls? The rest of this post is going to be about seagulls, because it's about time someone gave them the attention they deserve!
I got started on this topic because I was listening to my dance mix CD and noticed that one of the less-listened-to songs on it (Wave, by RAH) has seagull noises! Whee! That made my day! I think I have to modify one of the criteria for my favorite music: Everything's better with a synthesizer, and everything's better with a seagull. After I heard that, I tried to think of other songs with seagulls in them, but surprisingly, drew a blank. I could swear there were a ton of them. The only one that I can think of that comes close, though, is Belfast by Orbital, which does not actually have seagulls in it, but the high-pitched whiny sound in it reminds me of them. Surely there are others! I even found a whole forum thread about songs with seagull noises, but I didn't recognize any of them!
Alas.
Well, the other great thing about seagulls is that, not only do they make cute noises, but they look cute too! Check out the multitude of seagulls that I photographed on my recent trip to California!
And then check out this fun buddy icon I made in honor of a Rolling Stones song that supposedly goes "No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue." Ha. We all know what the real lyric is!But wait! There's more! There's the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video! Which is not only funny, but features at the end - yes - a seagull! Oh wait! There's one more video on YouTube featuring seagulls. You must see it. It's a true work of art!
Oh yeah! And if you visit The Silly Side, you might just read a story about a seagull or two! And after that, you will probably be tired of seagulls. I will never get tired of seagulls, but I will understand if you want to call it quits. I'll let you rest until tomorrow. We'll talk more about squirrels!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Microsoft for the win!...dows
My last post on cell phones really brought in the traffic. Let's see how many comments from total strangers I can get when I start dropping these big names: Microsoft. Apple. My excuse for this experiment in keyword-stuffing is the surprising regularity with which I surprise people by my choice of platform.
Yes, folks, that's right! I do not use a Mac! I am a creative professional, and yet, I use Windows! I draw pictures like this
on my PC! I design websites and write illustrated fiction, and I do not own a single Apple product. Nope, not even an iPod!
One time someone told me, "You look like you'd use a Mac." It was because of my penchant for long flowy skirts. Dude, I'm completely over my long flowy skirt phase. Now I'm into short twirly skirts. Besides, is it really obligatory that every creative type be bound to some stereotypical love affair with Apple?
Hey, remember those ads from back in the 90's? When Apple's tagline was "Think different"?
I don't either, but I do remember the slogan. And, by golly, I'm gonna co-opt it for my own subversive purposes! I'm gonna think different and defy all the expectations that are laid out for me! I'm going to be an artist and I'm going to proudly, confidently wave my Microsoft banner high, because even though I won't get to see a spinning beach ball when my computer freezes up, I also won't be paying several hundred dollars extra for the privilege!
And oh, did I mention? Windows. Apple. Microsoft. Windows. Apple. Read my blog!
Yes, folks, that's right! I do not use a Mac! I am a creative professional, and yet, I use Windows! I draw pictures like this
on my PC! I design websites and write illustrated fiction, and I do not own a single Apple product. Nope, not even an iPod!
One time someone told me, "You look like you'd use a Mac." It was because of my penchant for long flowy skirts. Dude, I'm completely over my long flowy skirt phase. Now I'm into short twirly skirts. Besides, is it really obligatory that every creative type be bound to some stereotypical love affair with Apple?
Hey, remember those ads from back in the 90's? When Apple's tagline was "Think different"?
I don't either, but I do remember the slogan. And, by golly, I'm gonna co-opt it for my own subversive purposes! I'm gonna think different and defy all the expectations that are laid out for me! I'm going to be an artist and I'm going to proudly, confidently wave my Microsoft banner high, because even though I won't get to see a spinning beach ball when my computer freezes up, I also won't be paying several hundred dollars extra for the privilege!
And oh, did I mention? Windows. Apple. Microsoft. Windows. Apple. Read my blog!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Wireless Conundrum
Alert! Before you begin, be aware that this entry is very long, and consists mostly of me vacillating about issues that are of no interest to anyone. I put it here mostly to help me make a decision, and (so altruistically!) possibly help any other poor decisiveness-challenged soul in their search to find the perfect wireless provider.
The past 2 months, I've received notifications from Verizon, beginning, "You are trending to incur high text messaging charges..." This is not because I have a texting problem, but rather because the rest of the world is textier than me. See three posts ago.
For a long time - even before Verizon started sending me its subtle upgrade nudges - I've been contemplating possibly changing my service provider, since the ads that I keep running across are so convincing ($25 for unlimited talk and text! 50$ for unlimited everything!). I can not make up my mind, so why don't you just sit back and relax as I drag you into my agonizing decision-making process?
This whole thing got started early last spring, when I first noticed the ads for Cricket Wireless, touting some really low rates for cellular service (they're even lower now). But I quickly rejected that provider when I saw how abysmal their coverage is outside of a few select metro areas. As someone who spends several days a year traveling between Maryland and Ohio (and dreams, longingly, of a leisure trip to somewhere else), I knew I would be unhappy relying on such a feeble network.
Now, you should know that my current cellular plan (which includes talk minutes that I never exceed) costs 40$ a month. Taxes and fees bring it up to something like 48$ a month, and text messages are 20¢ each. It usually ends up being just about 50$ a month.
Shortly after the appearance of Cricket, Boost Mobile came around, with their very tempting offer of 50$ a month for unlimited nationwide talk, text, and web. I even went so far as to purchase (for 10$) a phone that will work with their SIM cards (which cost 20$), mostly to test out the reliability of the signal (because they have a decent pay-as-you go option as well). I haven't bought the SIM card yet, because it occurred to me after I got the phone that if I switch providers now, I'll have to break my contract with Verizon, which will result in a disgustingly high early-termination fee, so I might as well take my time making this decision. The other catch with switching to Boost is that they do not provide you with free phones, which Verizon does as long as you renew your contract every 2 years. Now, Boost claims that taxes are included in their monthly fee, so let's assume that miscellaneous other fees bring the bill up to 54$ a month. And then we add in the cost of a new phone--say 120$. Spread out over two years, that would come up to approximately 60$ a month.
Now, with Verizon, I could add on unlimited text messaging OR 25MB of data transfer for the same price (that's text OR web, but not both. So Verizon has a slight disadvantage, but actually, I really can't see myself using my phone much to surf the web. After all, I spend most of my time with my laptop). So, really, when you get down to it, Boost isn't such a great deal. Rats. Now what am I going to do with that 10-dollar piece-of-junk phone I bought?
So we've concluded that Cricket is out of the question, and Boost remains only a remote possibility to consider sometime in 2011 when my Verizon contract runs out. Thus, you can pretty much ignore all the preceding paragraphs. But here is where the true dilemma appears. A few days ago, I received an email from a new provider, Credo Mobile, which has just one offer that looks pretty good: 1000 minutes and 1000 texts for 50$ a month. Plus, they'll use part of your payments to donate to nonprofit organizations. Plus, they'll throw in a free phone. Plus, they'll buy out your contract! Sounds like it's irresistable.
Just two questions: How reliable is their network? and Are the free phones any good? And a third: How much does it cost after taxes and fees? To answer question 1, Credo uses the Sprint network. I looked at the coverage map, but it is not very helpful. To find out for sure, I'd really just have to use the service for a while. But unlike Boost, Sprint does not use SIM cards, and I'd have to purchase a contract in order to test how well it works. Also, this special offer is only available until December 18, which doesn't leave much time for experimentation.
So, assuming I'd be willing to take a chance on signal strength, and assuming that fees are negligible, the decision really comes down to whether I'd be happy with the phone itself. Being the charmingly OCD person that I am, I am extremely particular about the features of my cell phone. It must have a built-in MP3 player. It must not have its primary screen on the outside (because I carry my phone in a purse along with things like emery boards, which are deadly weapons to shiny plastic, and besides, it is inevitable that sooner or later, I WILL drop the phone. And it will be on some surface like rough pavement that will cause irreversible damage to the exterior). Ideally, it would not have buttons on the outside, but my current phone does, and it's not unbearable. It must have a headphone jack. It should probably have a camera, but I might be able to live without that. It must not be shaped like a Blackberry (those things are the phone equivalent of trolls) nor have that blobby figure-8 shape that was so popular in flip phones a couple years ago.
Unfortunately, none of the phones available from Credo meet my exacting standards. They do have some nice flip phones, but if my primary motivation for changing my plan is for text messaging purposes, then I'll feel pretty sad to trade in my QWERTY keyboard and go back to finicky ol' T9 input. They have 2 QWERTY phones, but they both have huge beautiful exterior screens with no means of protection. Oh, the irony, that my current phone is perfect for texting, but my current plan is worthless for it--and that by switching to a plan that's perfect for texting, I'd have to settle for a phone that's worthless for it!
Well, if you're still out there, and your eyes haven't glazed over and your fingernails are still short enough to type with, I'd appreciate your input on this matter. If you're not still out there, then I guess there's no point in saying goodbye now.
The past 2 months, I've received notifications from Verizon, beginning, "You are trending to incur high text messaging charges..." This is not because I have a texting problem, but rather because the rest of the world is textier than me. See three posts ago.
For a long time - even before Verizon started sending me its subtle upgrade nudges - I've been contemplating possibly changing my service provider, since the ads that I keep running across are so convincing ($25 for unlimited talk and text! 50$ for unlimited everything!). I can not make up my mind, so why don't you just sit back and relax as I drag you into my agonizing decision-making process?
This whole thing got started early last spring, when I first noticed the ads for Cricket Wireless, touting some really low rates for cellular service (they're even lower now). But I quickly rejected that provider when I saw how abysmal their coverage is outside of a few select metro areas. As someone who spends several days a year traveling between Maryland and Ohio (and dreams, longingly, of a leisure trip to somewhere else), I knew I would be unhappy relying on such a feeble network.
Now, you should know that my current cellular plan (which includes talk minutes that I never exceed) costs 40$ a month. Taxes and fees bring it up to something like 48$ a month, and text messages are 20¢ each. It usually ends up being just about 50$ a month.
Shortly after the appearance of Cricket, Boost Mobile came around, with their very tempting offer of 50$ a month for unlimited nationwide talk, text, and web. I even went so far as to purchase (for 10$) a phone that will work with their SIM cards (which cost 20$), mostly to test out the reliability of the signal (because they have a decent pay-as-you go option as well). I haven't bought the SIM card yet, because it occurred to me after I got the phone that if I switch providers now, I'll have to break my contract with Verizon, which will result in a disgustingly high early-termination fee, so I might as well take my time making this decision. The other catch with switching to Boost is that they do not provide you with free phones, which Verizon does as long as you renew your contract every 2 years. Now, Boost claims that taxes are included in their monthly fee, so let's assume that miscellaneous other fees bring the bill up to 54$ a month. And then we add in the cost of a new phone--say 120$. Spread out over two years, that would come up to approximately 60$ a month.
Now, with Verizon, I could add on unlimited text messaging OR 25MB of data transfer for the same price (that's text OR web, but not both. So Verizon has a slight disadvantage, but actually, I really can't see myself using my phone much to surf the web. After all, I spend most of my time with my laptop). So, really, when you get down to it, Boost isn't such a great deal. Rats. Now what am I going to do with that 10-dollar piece-of-junk phone I bought?
So we've concluded that Cricket is out of the question, and Boost remains only a remote possibility to consider sometime in 2011 when my Verizon contract runs out. Thus, you can pretty much ignore all the preceding paragraphs. But here is where the true dilemma appears. A few days ago, I received an email from a new provider, Credo Mobile, which has just one offer that looks pretty good: 1000 minutes and 1000 texts for 50$ a month. Plus, they'll use part of your payments to donate to nonprofit organizations. Plus, they'll throw in a free phone. Plus, they'll buy out your contract! Sounds like it's irresistable.
Just two questions: How reliable is their network? and Are the free phones any good? And a third: How much does it cost after taxes and fees? To answer question 1, Credo uses the Sprint network. I looked at the coverage map, but it is not very helpful. To find out for sure, I'd really just have to use the service for a while. But unlike Boost, Sprint does not use SIM cards, and I'd have to purchase a contract in order to test how well it works. Also, this special offer is only available until December 18, which doesn't leave much time for experimentation.
So, assuming I'd be willing to take a chance on signal strength, and assuming that fees are negligible, the decision really comes down to whether I'd be happy with the phone itself. Being the charmingly OCD person that I am, I am extremely particular about the features of my cell phone. It must have a built-in MP3 player. It must not have its primary screen on the outside (because I carry my phone in a purse along with things like emery boards, which are deadly weapons to shiny plastic, and besides, it is inevitable that sooner or later, I WILL drop the phone. And it will be on some surface like rough pavement that will cause irreversible damage to the exterior). Ideally, it would not have buttons on the outside, but my current phone does, and it's not unbearable. It must have a headphone jack. It should probably have a camera, but I might be able to live without that. It must not be shaped like a Blackberry (those things are the phone equivalent of trolls) nor have that blobby figure-8 shape that was so popular in flip phones a couple years ago.
Unfortunately, none of the phones available from Credo meet my exacting standards. They do have some nice flip phones, but if my primary motivation for changing my plan is for text messaging purposes, then I'll feel pretty sad to trade in my QWERTY keyboard and go back to finicky ol' T9 input. They have 2 QWERTY phones, but they both have huge beautiful exterior screens with no means of protection. Oh, the irony, that my current phone is perfect for texting, but my current plan is worthless for it--and that by switching to a plan that's perfect for texting, I'd have to settle for a phone that's worthless for it!
Well, if you're still out there, and your eyes haven't glazed over and your fingernails are still short enough to type with, I'd appreciate your input on this matter. If you're not still out there, then I guess there's no point in saying goodbye now.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Every Time I Hear that Song
If you don't know the country song that inspired the title of this post, I highly recommend that you don't listen to it. It's probably one of the most boring songs in the history of music, but now I've got it stuck in my head because I stupidly decided that I needed a clever title that used the lyrics of a song that's about songs that take you back to some time in the past. Because that's what this entry is about.
Like "Temptation Eyes," which reminds me for some reason of brown couch cushions and fires in the fireplace at my old house on Eversham Court.
And this Weezer song called "Buddy Holly," which reminds me of candy corn and the forest green minivan pulling into the driveway at my old house on Crissey road. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" has kind of the same effect.
Numerous songs remind me of sitting in some living room or other, listening to my Dad's band play them: "Jenny (867-5309)," "Bus Stop," "Wasted on the Way"... One of them ("Allison") strangely enough, does not remind me of these mini-concerts, but rather a party held by a friend (whose father was also in the band) at a hotel's pool, at which I ate Bugles and got a small plastic bag full of candy.
I really could go on like this for quite a while, because I've got most of these songs sitting right in front of me. Usually when I hear a song that reminds me of days gone by, I make a point of adding it to my digital collection--not always because I like it, but because these songs are the closest thing I've found to a personal time machine.
However, I don't own all of them, and occasionally I'll hear something that gives me a pleasant anachronistic surprise. Recently, I was listening to Internet radio and got a blast (pretty literally) from the past, when they played the James Bond theme song. As soon as I heard it, I was transported to my dad's basement, eating Wheat Thins and blowing my brother to smithereens by way of the Nintendo 64. Or possibly Slapping him silly! Or maybe Klobbering him! Haha! These stupid terms are amusing only to me, but to me, they are the means to a cheerful jaunt down Memory Lane, complete with warm sun shining and happy birds chirping! Wow, who would've thought I'd be so sentimentally attached to a video game that usually ended with my character collapsing in a pool of blood?
Like "Temptation Eyes," which reminds me for some reason of brown couch cushions and fires in the fireplace at my old house on Eversham Court.
And this Weezer song called "Buddy Holly," which reminds me of candy corn and the forest green minivan pulling into the driveway at my old house on Crissey road. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" has kind of the same effect.
Numerous songs remind me of sitting in some living room or other, listening to my Dad's band play them: "Jenny (867-5309)," "Bus Stop," "Wasted on the Way"... One of them ("Allison") strangely enough, does not remind me of these mini-concerts, but rather a party held by a friend (whose father was also in the band) at a hotel's pool, at which I ate Bugles and got a small plastic bag full of candy.
I really could go on like this for quite a while, because I've got most of these songs sitting right in front of me. Usually when I hear a song that reminds me of days gone by, I make a point of adding it to my digital collection--not always because I like it, but because these songs are the closest thing I've found to a personal time machine.
However, I don't own all of them, and occasionally I'll hear something that gives me a pleasant anachronistic surprise. Recently, I was listening to Internet radio and got a blast (pretty literally) from the past, when they played the James Bond theme song. As soon as I heard it, I was transported to my dad's basement, eating Wheat Thins and blowing my brother to smithereens by way of the Nintendo 64. Or possibly Slapping him silly! Or maybe Klobbering him! Haha! These stupid terms are amusing only to me, but to me, they are the means to a cheerful jaunt down Memory Lane, complete with warm sun shining and happy birds chirping! Wow, who would've thought I'd be so sentimentally attached to a video game that usually ended with my character collapsing in a pool of blood?
Saturday, November 28, 2009
How to save the children from certain depravity
I cannot keep it a secret any longer! I have to tell someone! It might be an obsession. I have been looking at... beer websites!
Cue the melodramatic music!
OK, really, I was looking at the beer websites because I happen to work for an organization whose focus is on beverage container waste, and I was searching (unsuccessfully) for a company that still uses refillable bottles. But the point is, I was looking at beer websites, and what I found was shocking!
You know, even though I eschew alcoholic beverages, I didn't think anything of going to look at websites about them. That is, I didn't until I tried, and encountered the fearsome guardian at the gates--the age-verification dragon of doom! I was not permitted to enter the sites until I proved to them that I was over 21 years of age. By "proved," I mean I performed various feats that only a legal adult could do, such as enter a date of birth using a series of pull-down menus.
After this rigorous testing of my maturity, I was able to view the sordid content of the websites. It's a good thing they don't let the kiddies in. Otherwise, they might have been able to see...
Pictures of beer! Or possibly even find out... where they could buy beer!
What exactly are these websites trying to protect underage people from? I mean, the secret's out. Beer exists. And it's not like you can drink it through your computer monitor.
I wonder what nutcase is behind this virtual carding phenomenon. Maybe a gaggle of silly legislators. Perhaps a bunch of liquor peddlers wanting to build a good public image. Perhaps just some crazy drunk. Whoever it was, they came up with the stupid idea of the week!
I really can't believe that this nonsense is being practiced on alcohol company websites all across the country. But whatever. I guess I'll stop ranting now. I have better things to do. Maybe I'll catch some beer bottles on webcam.
Cue the melodramatic music!
OK, really, I was looking at the beer websites because I happen to work for an organization whose focus is on beverage container waste, and I was searching (unsuccessfully) for a company that still uses refillable bottles. But the point is, I was looking at beer websites, and what I found was shocking!
You know, even though I eschew alcoholic beverages, I didn't think anything of going to look at websites about them. That is, I didn't until I tried, and encountered the fearsome guardian at the gates--the age-verification dragon of doom! I was not permitted to enter the sites until I proved to them that I was over 21 years of age. By "proved," I mean I performed various feats that only a legal adult could do, such as enter a date of birth using a series of pull-down menus.
After this rigorous testing of my maturity, I was able to view the sordid content of the websites. It's a good thing they don't let the kiddies in. Otherwise, they might have been able to see...
Pictures of beer! Or possibly even find out... where they could buy beer!
What exactly are these websites trying to protect underage people from? I mean, the secret's out. Beer exists. And it's not like you can drink it through your computer monitor.
I wonder what nutcase is behind this virtual carding phenomenon. Maybe a gaggle of silly legislators. Perhaps a bunch of liquor peddlers wanting to build a good public image. Perhaps just some crazy drunk. Whoever it was, they came up with the stupid idea of the week!
I really can't believe that this nonsense is being practiced on alcohol company websites all across the country. But whatever. I guess I'll stop ranting now. I have better things to do. Maybe I'll catch some beer bottles on webcam.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
SMScapades (a very belabored title...sorry)
I am still not officially done with the template, but fixing it will involve a lot of tedious mucking about in the stylesheet, to figure out why some of my declarations are being ignored, and then doing some heavy research into hitherto-untested Javascript features. And I'm tired of tedium and heaviness, so I'm gonna slack off and write away my frustrations!
Speaking of slacking off, there is a phone number on my bulletin board that has been there for 3 weeks. It is the number for a potential client that a former client told me about. I have not called it. Mainly because I am afraid the potential client will answer!
I'm sure if it was an email address, I would have been done with it ages ago and would now be raking in the big bucks building the awesomest website the world has ever seen! But since it is a phone number, it is doomed to sit on my dry erase board until the ink permanently adheres to the surface.
I console myself with the thought that I'm apparently not the only one with a mortal fear of phone calling. It seems this younger generation (you know, those pipsqueaks two years my minor) communicate almost exclusively by text message. I can't fault them; I'd do it myself if only I was willing to shell out 5 extra dollars a month for a texting plan, but some people take it too far! I tell them "Don't text me--it costs me 20¢ per message," and they just keep on texting me, with essential questions like, "What's up?" I call them and leave a voice mail--they text me back!
I have discovered, to my great delight, that I can send messages to most cell phones via AOL Instant Messenger. I really am a champion at instant messaging, so I can usually satisfy these people's texting addictions without driving myself into bankruptcy 20 cents at a time.
Now, if you didn't know, the first cardinal rule of IMing is "Type fast." The second rule is, "If you can't type fast, make up for it by dismembering the English language." Even though this means that I must daily witness the sad demise of my favorite language, I also get to partake of some pretty interesting messages. A few examples follow.
So yes, while instant message typos often seem to degrade into jokes that you tell in kindergarten, at least one of them gave me a great intellectual chuckle (which means it's probably not really funny). Here it is:
Haha.
Ha.
Umm, so, I was going to go on another little rant about some other text/IM mannerisms that annoy me, but this post is getting a little long, dont you think?
Yeah, I think. TTFN!
Speaking of slacking off, there is a phone number on my bulletin board that has been there for 3 weeks. It is the number for a potential client that a former client told me about. I have not called it. Mainly because I am afraid the potential client will answer!
I'm sure if it was an email address, I would have been done with it ages ago and would now be raking in the big bucks building the awesomest website the world has ever seen! But since it is a phone number, it is doomed to sit on my dry erase board until the ink permanently adheres to the surface.
I console myself with the thought that I'm apparently not the only one with a mortal fear of phone calling. It seems this younger generation (you know, those pipsqueaks two years my minor) communicate almost exclusively by text message. I can't fault them; I'd do it myself if only I was willing to shell out 5 extra dollars a month for a texting plan, but some people take it too far! I tell them "Don't text me--it costs me 20¢ per message," and they just keep on texting me, with essential questions like, "What's up?" I call them and leave a voice mail--they text me back!
I have discovered, to my great delight, that I can send messages to most cell phones via AOL Instant Messenger. I really am a champion at instant messaging, so I can usually satisfy these people's texting addictions without driving myself into bankruptcy 20 cents at a time.
Now, if you didn't know, the first cardinal rule of IMing is "Type fast." The second rule is, "If you can't type fast, make up for it by dismembering the English language." Even though this means that I must daily witness the sad demise of my favorite language, I also get to partake of some pretty interesting messages. A few examples follow.
- I say, "It seems dangerous." My chat buddy says, "It snot"
- I say, "I do like poo." Yes, I am ashamed to say that that gem came out of my keyboard! I was talking about billiards!
So yes, while instant message typos often seem to degrade into jokes that you tell in kindergarten, at least one of them gave me a great intellectual chuckle (which means it's probably not really funny). Here it is:
- I say something (via voice mail) along the lines of, "I am backing out of our previously planned social engagement," which comes out as adrenaline-charged nonsense as per the rules of making phone calls. My chat buddy says (via text message! Argh!), "y arent you cumin sweety??" I answer (only in my head, because I think after crushing this person's heart by refusing to grace them with my presence, I really shouldn't be making bad jokes about their poor spelling), "Because cumin isn't sweet, it's savory!"
Haha.
Ha.
Umm, so, I was going to go on another little rant about some other text/IM mannerisms that annoy me, but this post is getting a little long, dont you think?
Yeah, I think. TTFN!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Template
Updating my Blogger template. Things could get ugly for a while.
UPDATE (November 18):
I am not done, but I am so tired. I'll let it rest for a while. Sorry you can't read some of the links.
UPDATE (November 18):
I am not done, but I am so tired. I'll let it rest for a while. Sorry you can't read some of the links.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Picky eating
While I was sitting around, waiting for my bagel to get cold, it occurred to me that I have really odd eating habits. And then it occurred to me that I should share them with you!
So. Bagels. I really like bagels. I can eat them plain with nothing on them and they make me pretty happy. But my favorite way to eat a bagel is to toast it, slather it with cream cheese, and then put it in the fridge and wait for the whole thing to get cold again. I also prefer brownies and pies cold, but unless I'm really hungry, I'll wait until my ice cream gets soupy before I'll eat it.
When I eat cookies, I can't just take a bite out of the whole cookie. I have to break a piece off in my hand and nibble on that. The same principle applies to bananas. I cannot eat a banana unless it has been sliced first. And I won't eat corn on the cob, but I'm happy to eat it once it's been cut off. Whole carrots, though? Not a problem--I don't even bother to peel them. I eat the skin of kiwis, and with apples, the skin is just about all I eat.
I am a vegetarian, but I will not eat onions or peppers. I also dislike rice and all other whole cooked grains. When I buy snack mix, I throw the pretzels away.
I don't put milk on my cereal. I don't put butter on my bread. I don't put dressing on my salad. I don't put sugar in my tea (in fact, I never drink tea, or any other beverage except water, unless someone gives it to me).
I eat oatmeal uncooked and dry.
I eat pizza with a knife and fork. I eat quesadillas with a knife and fork. I eat muffins with a knife and fork. In fact, I eat just about everything with a knife and fork, unless it is the type of food that will fall apart if you cut it. Or if it would be better eaten with a spoon.
I'm sure there are more culinary quirks that I could think of, but I bet my bagel is nice and chilly now, and I'm HUNGRY! So I'll sign off, and while I'm gone, you can tell tell me: What sort of bizarre things do you do when you eat? Surely I'm not the only one... right?
So. Bagels. I really like bagels. I can eat them plain with nothing on them and they make me pretty happy. But my favorite way to eat a bagel is to toast it, slather it with cream cheese, and then put it in the fridge and wait for the whole thing to get cold again. I also prefer brownies and pies cold, but unless I'm really hungry, I'll wait until my ice cream gets soupy before I'll eat it.
When I eat cookies, I can't just take a bite out of the whole cookie. I have to break a piece off in my hand and nibble on that. The same principle applies to bananas. I cannot eat a banana unless it has been sliced first. And I won't eat corn on the cob, but I'm happy to eat it once it's been cut off. Whole carrots, though? Not a problem--I don't even bother to peel them. I eat the skin of kiwis, and with apples, the skin is just about all I eat.
I am a vegetarian, but I will not eat onions or peppers. I also dislike rice and all other whole cooked grains. When I buy snack mix, I throw the pretzels away.
I don't put milk on my cereal. I don't put butter on my bread. I don't put dressing on my salad. I don't put sugar in my tea (in fact, I never drink tea, or any other beverage except water, unless someone gives it to me).
I eat oatmeal uncooked and dry.
I eat pizza with a knife and fork. I eat quesadillas with a knife and fork. I eat muffins with a knife and fork. In fact, I eat just about everything with a knife and fork, unless it is the type of food that will fall apart if you cut it. Or if it would be better eaten with a spoon.
I'm sure there are more culinary quirks that I could think of, but I bet my bagel is nice and chilly now, and I'm HUNGRY! So I'll sign off, and while I'm gone, you can tell tell me: What sort of bizarre things do you do when you eat? Surely I'm not the only one... right?
Saturday, November 7, 2009
It's a whole new me! But with the same low threshold for annoyance.
Usually I’m impressed with the way Google does things. Even though they’re slowly taking over the world, they seem to do it by being extremely useful, but Google Accounts – the thing that provides the backbone for all their other services – seems to be the stupidest system ever invented.
I’ve been using the “wrong” email address for most of my Google services for years, but once I signed up for AdWords and suddenly started receiving all sorts of business notifications in the email inbox I reserve for friendly communication, I decided it was time to fix things.
It was hard. After struggling for a while with the crazy interface that kept sending me back and forth between AdWords and Google Accounts, I eventually decided it was time to click the Help button. It was actually a link. I didn’t let that stand in my way.
What did stand in my way was the fact that help wasn’t helpful. It basically told me you can change your account address any time, as long as it’s not a Gmail address. If it is a Gmail address (which mine is), then you’re out of luck. Sorry! Too bad! Now what kind of nonsense is this--where an entity (such as Google) actually makes things harder for the people that use its other services!? They’re supposed to treat me better because I’m a loyal (ahem, freeloading) Gmail customer!
Well, humph, I thought. Perhaps Google has just made an honest mistake, and will help me out if I approach them through the appropriate channels and call them stupid. I thought this plan was coming to fruition when I found a link to “Contacting Us.” Alas, when I followed the link, I was presented with an impressively worthless set of options. First, I was invited to look in the Help Center. Well, since I’d just come from there, I rejected that choice.
Then, to my great joy, I read that if I “have a great idea or suggestion,” I should let them know! “We enthusiastically read and tally all your suggestions,” Google gushed at me from the web page. I clicked on the link, prepared to inform them that it was cruel and unusual to send me AdWords notifications where I’m expecting emails of adoration from my admiring fans. Instead, I was presented with four pre-written suggestions. If any of them happened to be the feature that I actually wanted Google to implement, I could then click the “Suggest it!” button to its right. Google apparently has some forward-thinking notion of the meaning of “suggest.” Why waste people’s time by making them come up with suggestions on their own? Let’s save them the work by anticipating all four of the things that they might conceivably want to suggest, and let them choose from among those options!
Well, I did click one of the buttons, just because the feature seemed like it might be useful in the future, but I returned to the previous page still clinging to the archaic belief that I might have an idea I might have to explain. Perhaps I could explain it in a forum! How fortunate that the next option on the list was “post your question to the Help Group!”
The Help Group was conveniently available in the following languages: 한국어, Türkçe, Nederlands, polski, Русский, Français, Deutsch, Italiano, Español, Português (Portugal), Português (Brasil). No, not English. How silly for Google to have a help forum available in the language spoken at its corporate headquarters!
Well, below that were some options for Contacting Support, and there I saw the Holy Grail that I had been seeking! “I cannot change the email address on my account”! I clicked on it and the first question was, “Did you enter the correct email address?” This did not bode well. Google was already assuming that (1) I had actually been given an option to enter an email address and (2) I am stupid. Following gamely along this path did not yield results, and eventually I gave up.
This story may have a happy ending. I have opened a new Google Account, added it to as many services as I can, and granted it administrative access. I am in the process of trying to remove that access from my personal account wherever possible. So I'm mainly posting this entry to find out if my attempt at changing my Blogger sign in was effective. I sure hope so. Still, it woulda been a lot nicer if Google would have just let me choose a different address to receive emails.
I’ve been using the “wrong” email address for most of my Google services for years, but once I signed up for AdWords and suddenly started receiving all sorts of business notifications in the email inbox I reserve for friendly communication, I decided it was time to fix things.
It was hard. After struggling for a while with the crazy interface that kept sending me back and forth between AdWords and Google Accounts, I eventually decided it was time to click the Help button. It was actually a link. I didn’t let that stand in my way.
What did stand in my way was the fact that help wasn’t helpful. It basically told me you can change your account address any time, as long as it’s not a Gmail address. If it is a Gmail address (which mine is), then you’re out of luck. Sorry! Too bad! Now what kind of nonsense is this--where an entity (such as Google) actually makes things harder for the people that use its other services!? They’re supposed to treat me better because I’m a loyal (ahem, freeloading) Gmail customer!
Well, humph, I thought. Perhaps Google has just made an honest mistake, and will help me out if I approach them through the appropriate channels and call them stupid. I thought this plan was coming to fruition when I found a link to “Contacting Us.” Alas, when I followed the link, I was presented with an impressively worthless set of options. First, I was invited to look in the Help Center. Well, since I’d just come from there, I rejected that choice.
Then, to my great joy, I read that if I “have a great idea or suggestion,” I should let them know! “We enthusiastically read and tally all your suggestions,” Google gushed at me from the web page. I clicked on the link, prepared to inform them that it was cruel and unusual to send me AdWords notifications where I’m expecting emails of adoration from my admiring fans. Instead, I was presented with four pre-written suggestions. If any of them happened to be the feature that I actually wanted Google to implement, I could then click the “Suggest it!” button to its right. Google apparently has some forward-thinking notion of the meaning of “suggest.” Why waste people’s time by making them come up with suggestions on their own? Let’s save them the work by anticipating all four of the things that they might conceivably want to suggest, and let them choose from among those options!
Well, I did click one of the buttons, just because the feature seemed like it might be useful in the future, but I returned to the previous page still clinging to the archaic belief that I might have an idea I might have to explain. Perhaps I could explain it in a forum! How fortunate that the next option on the list was “post your question to the Help Group!”
The Help Group was conveniently available in the following languages: 한국어, Türkçe, Nederlands, polski, Русский, Français, Deutsch, Italiano, Español, Português (Portugal), Português (Brasil). No, not English. How silly for Google to have a help forum available in the language spoken at its corporate headquarters!
Well, below that were some options for Contacting Support, and there I saw the Holy Grail that I had been seeking! “I cannot change the email address on my account”! I clicked on it and the first question was, “Did you enter the correct email address?” This did not bode well. Google was already assuming that (1) I had actually been given an option to enter an email address and (2) I am stupid. Following gamely along this path did not yield results, and eventually I gave up.
This story may have a happy ending. I have opened a new Google Account, added it to as many services as I can, and granted it administrative access. I am in the process of trying to remove that access from my personal account wherever possible. So I'm mainly posting this entry to find out if my attempt at changing my Blogger sign in was effective. I sure hope so. Still, it woulda been a lot nicer if Google would have just let me choose a different address to receive emails.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Valerie makes keen observations on pop culture
For those of you who are not up to date on the pop charts, the title of my last post was a not-so-veiled reference to the song, "I Gotta Feeling," by the Black Eyed Peas. Now this is one of those songs that gives me a feeling that my brain cells are in mortal danger. It sounds like it was written by a bunch of idiots on speed ("Let's do this...then let's do that...then let's do it again! And do it and do it and do it do it do it!") Yet for all that, it's kind of annoyingly catchy.
Now, while we're on the subject of music, check out this song, Oru Maalai. No, it's not that great. But it's got its moments. Wait until you get to 4:03. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, one of the singers breaks out with this, "Aw!" Who would have thought of just randomly sticking an Aw right there? But it totally makes the whole song! Or maybe I'm just being overenthusiastic about a tiny fragment of the middle of a song, like always.
Now, while we're not really on the subject at all, what's with this character, Domo? Right now there's some advertising campaign at 7-11 featuring this strange brown blob with teeth. Before that, wasn't he on an advertising campaign for Target? How come I never see him doing anything but selling something for some corporation? Maybe he's a washed up celebrity.
OK, I might have also seen Domo doing this. I ran across the blog of the person who originally took the kitten photo. Interesting story there, and also some information about what Domo really is, which I'll try not to remember, because I'd rather have something to wonder about in my blog.
Now, while we're on the subject of music, check out this song, Oru Maalai. No, it's not that great. But it's got its moments. Wait until you get to 4:03. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, one of the singers breaks out with this, "Aw!" Who would have thought of just randomly sticking an Aw right there? But it totally makes the whole song! Or maybe I'm just being overenthusiastic about a tiny fragment of the middle of a song, like always.
Now, while we're not really on the subject at all, what's with this character, Domo? Right now there's some advertising campaign at 7-11 featuring this strange brown blob with teeth. Before that, wasn't he on an advertising campaign for Target? How come I never see him doing anything but selling something for some corporation? Maybe he's a washed up celebrity.
OK, I might have also seen Domo doing this. I ran across the blog of the person who originally took the kitten photo. Interesting story there, and also some information about what Domo really is, which I'll try not to remember, because I'd rather have something to wonder about in my blog.
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