How to save the children from certain depravity

I cannot keep it a secret any longer! I have to tell someone! It might be an obsession. I have been looking at... beer websites!

Cue the melodramatic music!

OK, really, I was looking at the beer websites because I happen to work for an organization whose focus is on beverage container waste, and I was searching (unsuccessfully) for a company that still uses refillable bottles. But the point is, I was looking at beer websites, and what I found was shocking!

You know, even though I eschew alcoholic beverages, I didn't think anything of going to look at websites about them. That is, I didn't until I tried, and encountered the fearsome guardian at the gates--the age-verification dragon of doom! I was not permitted to enter the sites until I proved to them that I was over 21 years of age. By "proved," I mean I performed various feats that only a legal adult could do, such as enter a date of birth using a series of pull-down menus.

After this rigorous testing of my maturity, I was able to view the sordid content of the websites. It's a good thing they don't let the kiddies in. Otherwise, they might have been able to see...
Pictures of beer! Or possibly even find out... where they could buy beer!

What exactly are these websites trying to protect underage people from? I mean, the secret's out. Beer exists. And it's not like you can drink it through your computer monitor.

I wonder what nutcase is behind this virtual carding phenomenon. Maybe a gaggle of silly legislators. Perhaps a bunch of liquor peddlers wanting to build a good public image. Perhaps just some crazy drunk. Whoever it was, they came up with the stupid idea of the week!

I really can't believe that this nonsense is being practiced on alcohol company websites all across the country. But whatever. I guess I'll stop ranting now. I have better things to do. Maybe I'll catch some beer bottles on webcam.