Thursday, February 14, 2013

Your cup of joy is running over into my personal space.

For the fourth annual Bitter Valentine Blog, I would like to address a major societal problem facing our communities: Happiness. Specifically, public display of happiness in a relationship, which I shall henceforth abbreviate as PDHR. Much like how public displays of affection (also known as PDA), manifested in grody kissing sprees and touch sessions at inappropriate times and places, generally serve to make the onlooking citizenry physically ill, PDHR, while not necessarily physical in nature, is just as off-putting. Turns out this sentimental excess tends to occur almost exclusively on Facebook, which tempts me to run off on a tangent about how social media changes our social interactions, but that wouldn't be bitter enough. However, I shall present a few examples of how some lucky lovebirds employ PDHR to truly nauseating effect.

They write self-congratulatory Facebook posts, such as: "My husband/boyfriend/sugar pie/honeybunch took out the trash for me. Not only is he soooooooo inhumanly talented, he's so sweet and he's mine!" Yeah, I get that part of them wants to pay their significant other a compliment, but the other part apparently wants to drive me away into a nearby toilet.

Then they get the whole family into the action, with mothers-in-law-adding their helpful 2 cents, as in: "I'm so blessed to have you as my daughter!" No, not even my "daughter in law." The best PDHRers get straight to the biological impossibilities and start making up familial relationships that don't even exist.

They also like their public-facing photos to be of such subject matter as themselves kissing their significant other. Now I won't begrudge them an affectionate peck when they say hello or goodbye, but the eternal liplocks that grace a profile picture for the entire world to witness every time one updates one's status are just going to have to stop.

You might recall that we are endowed by our creator with certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The operative word there is "pursuit." We're supposed to pursue happiness, not actually have it! So all you people in happy relationships, what's wrong with you!? Why are you displaying your unnatural bliss for all the world to see? Go ahead and be sullen and caustic like the rest of us for once.

On the plus side, PDHRers probably accomplish one thing no one else can do: They gross me out so much that I actually feel lucky to be single, because I'd be so ashamed if I ended up in a relationship that made me act like that!

If you enjoyed this pleasant diatribe, you will no doubt be delighted to partake in any number of my other Bitter Valentine Blogs, which are all listed here for your perusal. Happy V-Day!

2012: Valentinezilla
2011: Bad Romance
2010: What becomes of the broken hearts?