How to get a girlfriend online

In my last significant entry on dating, back in 2010, I promised a description of some personas that men can try on when they really want to give the ladies a thrill. Well, after that, I got a little distracted by getting into a relationship, but now that I'm not in one, it's all coming back to me—the joys and delights of being on the market—and the wealth of charming fellows you meet while you're there!

For the benefit of those fellows, I have assembled the following guide to online dating. Gentlemen, I hope you're reading, because you're about to learn how to knock the socks off any lady who knows what's good for her! Just strap on one of these attractive personalities, time-tested by online love-seekers just like you, and you'll be on your way to the relationship of your dreams!

The Sad Stalker

Women like a good sob story—why else do you think we love The Notebook so much? So the next time you meet a woman, make it clear that you have no friends and that she is the best thing that has happened to you in your entire pitiful existence. Pitiful is key. If you present yourself to her like a lost puppy, her heart will overflow with maternal instincts and she will want to spend every moment of her life by your side, just so she can hear more endearing tales of how lonely you are.
      Call, text, and instant message her incessantly. She might not respond most of the time, but that's OK, because your diligence will just drive the message home that you have nothing valuable in your life except her. When you do reach her, here are a few conversational gambits you can try on for size:
      After the obligatory greetings are over, the lady might ask you what's up. This is a good time to respond with something like "Nothing. I hate Saturday evenings. I hate spending them alone :/" Upon hearing this, she will surely want to come running into your arms.
      Some days or weeks after your first and only meeting, it is also a wise idea to tell her how much you miss her. Because obviously that emotional bond you built over the shared viewing of an action movie is something that no amount of time and distance can sunder.

The Play Play Play Boy

For those of you to whom love is a 4-letter word and emotions make you angry, you might want to take a less attached approach. Try introducing yourself by way of an email message such as "SEX!!!!!!???" That should be fun.

Mr. Nice Guy

You know, there are a lot of jerks out there. Women should thank god you're not one of them. In fact, they should probably thank you, just for existing, because you would never lie to them, or screw them over, or hit them, or, for heaven's sake, be interesting. Not like all those other jerks. There used to be a whole blog dedicated to men like you, but unfortunately it seems to have closed down. That's OK. There's really only one thing you need to know about how to be a Nice Guy. Just compare yourself favorably to all the other jerks. Often.

The Great Conversationalist

One of the fundamentals of online dating is that you do a lot of online chatting. The nice thing about online chatting is when the conversation dries up, you don't have to apologize—you just move on with your day. Unless you are taking this persona for a spin. In that case, you will want to prove your conversational prowess by resuscitating the chat with one of your tried and true talking points. Such as a smiley face. Or maybe even the "stuck out tongue." If that doesn't work, try it again 10 minutes later. Surely your fascinating emoticons will eventually ignite some discourse. You might also try frequently starting chats with nothing to say but "hi how are u?" Girls love to see strings of this phrase, over and over and over again in their IM history, to remind them of how much they enjoy your conversations.

There. Four infallible roles you can play to ensure that girls will be crawling all over your online dating profile! You're welcome.