Adventures in Cooking: Pasta with veggie dogs and mustard sauce

When I first became a vegetarian as a teenager, I was cuckoo for veggie dogs. But, over time, they became less and less appealing, until, the last time I bought them, I ate one and realized I just couldn't eat any more. But not wanting to waste food, I stuffed the remainder of the package in the freezer, and tried to think of ways that I could make them more palatable.

I think the veggie dogs alone have a texture that could make any processed-food-lover run for the hills, but I had always enjoyed them more when encased in a hot dog bun. The only problem with that is I'd stopped buying bread a long time ago, making do with whatever happened to come along with my restaurant orders, so I never have enough bun-like material at home to accompany an 8-pack of veggie dogs. Besides, vegetarian food is pretty high in carbs already, so there's no need to stack the starches by adding a nutritionless hunk of white bread. What other flavors could I use to give these veggie dogs a second chance?

Pasta was my first thought. While I have nixed the purchasing of bread, I still make an exception for chickpea pasta, which is relatively high in protein and low in carbohydrates. I always keep a box in the pantry for emergency situations like this. The solution to my glut of veggie dogs was a pasta dish with veggie dogs mixed into it. 

 

The next question was, what should I use to give the pasta flavor? I hate, like many foods, the most popular pasta topper: tomato sauce. So that was a no-go. I have some jarred alfredo sauce, but I didn't want to ruin it on a dubious experiment. Using the memory of my once-boundless love for veggie dogs, I recalled my favorite condiment on them was mustard. So if I could find a pasta sauce based with mustard, I'd be golden! (Just like the mustard! Get it!?).

You might think a mustard-based pasta sauce sounds a little unusual (I did), but the Internet usually delivers. A quick Google search turned up a recipe, and I was on the road to an Adventure in Cooking! And now, lucky reader, so are you!*

Pasta With Mustard Cream Sauce and Veggie Dogs

Ingredients

• 1 box rigatoni pasta 1/2 box chickpea penne
  
• 1 1/2 tsp salt, divided ummm, some salt
• 1 tsp oil Did that say 1tsp? Oops, I misread! Use 1 Tbsp oil
  
• 1/4 cup chopped onion Sprinkling of dehydrated onion
  
• 2 cloves garlic, minced Sprinkling of garlic powder
  
• 1/4 cup chicken broth vegetable stock
  
• 1/2 cup heavy cream frozen half-and-half, thawed and reconstituted as well as you can get it, though it will never return to its formerly creamy glory
  
• 3 Tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tsp dried tarragon ... or, if you don't have tarragon, just consider what you think tarragon probably tastes like, and then pick the most similar spice you have, which for me, turned out to be my last few desiccated sprigs of rosemary.
  
• 1/4 tsp black pepper
• Fresh Parmesan classy Kraft Parmesan from a jar
  
• Fresh basil
• Veggie dogs
• Canned mushrooms (but only if you happen to have the remains of an unfinished can in your freezer).
  

Instructions

1. Heat a large pot of water over high heat. Add 1 tsp salt and pasta. Cook for 6 minutes. Seriously, my friend, your time is too valuable and your indoor humidity too high to be cooking pasta over a stove. Get thee an Instant Pot (or a low-budget alternative), and cook your pasta according to this formula... or just wing it from memory, add two minutes instead of subtracting two, and still come out with most acceptably cooked pasta, and some overcooked bits of it splattered all over the inside of your pressure cooker. Don't forget to add the salt, though—that's one rare thing the original recipe got right!
   
2. In a medium skillet, heat 1 tsp oil over medium heat. Add onion and cook for 3-4 minutes or until softened. Add garlic and cook for one minute. Y'all, what is this obsession in the cooking world with pre-sautéing your aromatics!? Does it really taste so much better that it's worth the additional time and oil burns all over your arms? I think not. You have my blessing to just dump your powdered spices straight into the mixture without following this gratuitous step. But if you're curious, as I was, and realize you're going to need to turn on the burners eventually, you might as well try to pre-roast the spices in a dry saucepan before adding the remaining ingredients. Does it improve the flavor? Does it ruin it? I don't know, but at least it will neither take very long nor result in oil splattering everywhere!
   
3. Add chicken broth and cook for 2-3 minutes.
4. Whisk in mustard and tarragon and cook for another 2-3 minutes.
5. Whisk in heavy cream and cook for 1 minute. Forget about all this laborious adding of ingredients and stirring and adding more! What are you, made of minutes!? You can put all the remaining ingredients (except the basil, Parmesan, pasta, and dogs) in one saucepan, stir it up, and set it all on the back burner to simmer while you work on the main event: the dogs. Stir periodically if the spirit moves you.
   
6. 
   Since you never used the oil that was intended for roasting the garlic and onion, you can use it to fry your veggie dogs. Pour some liberally into a skillet and let it heat up, while simultaneously slicing your still-slightly-frozen veggie dogs as thin as possible (the better to minimize their flavor when you eat them!) into the skillet.
   
7. Dump the frozen chunk of mushrooms into the skillet with the veggie dog slices. As it thaws, you can peel off mushrooms until all of them are mixed in and somewhat warm. Simultaneously push the veggie dogs around in the oil until they start to look cooked.
8. Add hot pasta to sauce and toss to combine. Cook for an additional minute.
9. Add veggie dogs to sauce and toss again.
   
10. Wonder why the original recipe mentioned basil and Parmesan in the ingredients list, because that was the end of the instructions, and their function was never explained. Figure they're supposed to be for garnish, so pour yourself a bowl of this pasta mastapiece, sprinkle with some Parmesan cheese, and then top with a few leaves of basil from your garden. You had a fresh herb on hand, which totally gives you chef points! High fives!
    

High fives also, for completing this recipe! When you eat it, you will no doubt be delighted. Or at least you won't go hungry for the night.

It's actually not that bad, and it looks so cute with the fresh basil on top and the fall decor in the background! But the veggie dogs are still barely palatable. Let this be a reminder to never buy veggie dogs again, no matter how cheap they are on sale!

 

*If you're not an adventurous cook, but you like the idea of pasta in creamy mustard sauce, I suppose you can try the original recipe, here.