Super (and not-super) Market Shopping

Can you believe it's been almost a year since I last posted a list of things I like or dislike? This usual staple in my blog has been sorely neglected, and I have no excuse...but I shall be silent no longer! Today I'll present a veritable grocery list of my personal preferences. In fact, since so many of them are grocery-related, I might as well make a theme of it, and conduct you on a virtual tour of the best and worst of the grocery universe.

Walking into the store, let's head directly to my one of my favorite aisles: the condiments. While I've sung the praises of mayonnaise before, I've never given due credit to my absolute favorite condiment: dill pickles. You could probably tell I was heading in this direction, since I've rhapsodized about dill by itself and about the joy of receiving a pickle with my sandwich. But sandwiches with pickles wouldn't be possible without pickles in the first place, so let it be known: Pickles are great!

Some things that are not so great, though, are a wide swathe of other things found at the grocery store:

For starters, food that sticks to your teeth. You know how some people like to go to the beach and come back with saltwater taffy for their friends and associates? Those people better not be my friends or associates! I can't stand the texture of taffy. Also Starburst. Also, of all things, macaroni and cheese in certain circumstances. Though I'm a retired macaroni-reviewer and can be expected to have strong opinions about the stuff, I never thought macaroni and cheese could be downright bad, until I had some a few weeks ago that I literally could not finish. The reason? The cheese was so gooey, it stayed on my teeth even after I had chewed and swallowed. That's when I knew: Super-sticky foods are the worst!

Other bad foods: anything spicy. Truly, this preference is a serious handicap to me, as it prevents my enjoyment of a lot of meals when I go out, and even bars me from entire cuisines. Sometimes it has a detrimental effect on my social life. Everything would be a lot easier if I weren't so bothered by spicy food, but I can't help it; I'm sensitive! (I know this is true, because when I'm eating with others, sometimes I'll ask someone, "Is it spicy?" And they'll say, "Not at all." And I'll proceed to burn off my taste buds and drink half a glass of water to relieve the pain, because the heat I perceive as unbearable is undetectable to others!) I have the mouth of a kid who never grew up....

But if you take me over to the kid's food aisle, I'll probably run away screaming, because kids' foods are notoriously full of...artificial fruit flavors! Yuck! Most artificial flavors are disappointingly...well...artificial-tasting, but the top three on the gross list are as follows: apple in third, then grape, then banana with the grand prize. I can barely stomach real bananas; fake banana flavor is enough to induce vomiting (some of this sentiment may be due to the fact that the last thing I ate before getting a whopping case of the stomach flu when I was about nine, was banana-flavored Now & Laters. But most of the sentiment is, I'm pretty sure, just because banana flavoring is intrinsically nasty).

So we've scanned the shelves and identified all the foods that we don't want to buy, Now, the question is how to decide on what we do want to buy! Fortunately, in recent years, many grocery stores have made that easy by providing per-unit costs on their price labels. What a wonderful advancement in shopping technology! Now I don't have to do math in my head; I can easily discern which of several brands gives me the most bang for my buck, just by reading the tag on the shelf.

One last innovation in shopping, and the last thing that I really like on this list, is the single-line checkout. Many grocery stores have implemented this system in the past few years, and it takes most of the stress out of waiting in the checkout line. Remember when queuing up at the grocery was a crapshoot? You'd choose what looked like the shortest line only to find that the person in front of you had 60 coupons and was waiting for a manager to do a price check? Now (at least in the best-designed stores) that's impossible. Everyone just gets in one line, and when it's your turn, the first available checkout is yours, all yours! See, there is hope for the universe.

Balder is Better

As a certified mammal, I find myself drawn to other creatures with lots of hair. The cuter and puffier, the better! Or so I thought, until I found myself the beleaguered mother of an extremely furry cocker-spaniel-hybrid (I don't know his pedigree, but while he has the general shape and temperament of a cocker spaniel, his hair is much wilder and more profuse than is generally shown in most portrayals of the breed).

When I became his sole caretaker last March, I was brushing him at least once a week (and trying to do it every day), cutting huge mats out of his fur every time. It's a wonder he had any fur left with all the mat removal I was doing, but somehow he did. Vast quantities of fur! Floppy, hairy ears that came dripping out of his water bowl every time he took a drink! Huge hairy feet that soaked up all the mud every time he went outside! And let's not forget how bad it got when he tried to play in the snow!

Bilbo was an outdoorsy dog in an indoorsy dog's body.

If the fur on his body and legs was a challenge, the fur on his head was a veritable disaster! His breed is susceptible to cherry eye, which is when the third eyelid becomes swollen and pops out, resulting in oozing and weeping. Bilbo's eyes oozed and wept continually onto his face, where the mess would congeal and adhere to all the long hairs in the vicinity. Another thing about his breed is long floppy ears. Supposedly they were bred that way so that when digging in the ground after burrowing game for their humans, the ears would keep dirt out of the dog's face. But combined with the ridiculously long hair, what the ears do instead is provide a sheltered breeding ground for earwax and bacteria. So gross. Cocker spaniels are also blessed with a "soft mouth," which in hunting terms means they have loose floppy lips that are less likely to damage the prey they catch. But in real-life terms, what it means is that they allow water and spit and food particles to leak out the sides of the dog's mouth...and thence, onto the aforementioned long hair.

Whoever invented cocker spaniels was surely a sadist. Messed-up eyes, ears, and mouth aside, what sort of hunting dog needs wooly legs that collect every twig, leaf, and bramble for miles around? Yet that's exactly what they gave them. Combine that genetic cesspit with the coat of a poodle (which is what some have surmised comprises the rest of Bilbo's ancestry), and you get even more hair that's even more curly! His forehead hair was so long that it covered his eyes, which surely contributed to his frequent collisions with vertical surfaces. Total breeding fail. 

I experimented with headbands to keep his hair out of  his eyes.
Not effective.

I made some token efforts to keep his coat under control. I bought an electric set of clippers (which he hated and which couldn't manage to cut through his fur without getting jammed) and finally settled for trimming his legs and face in clumpy patches with a pair of scissors whenever I could get him to sit still for 5 minutes. It was better than nothing, but truly not much good at all.

This entire hairy situation came to a head when Bilbo got fleas in August. Three flea baths, diligent grooming with a flea comb, and two treatments with Frontline did nothing to rid him of the suckers, and I was just about to tear out my own hair!

In late October, I finally called in the big guns: a professional groomer. I found her on Rover, she came to my house, and I let her do her magic. She shaved Bilbo down to the skin and gave him yet another flea bath, and when he came out the other side, he looked...surprisingly cute!

I admit I kind of miss his gargantuan hobbit feet, but his clean-shaven mien left a lot fewer places for boogers to attach to. And he's much more endearing now that you can actually see his facial expressions!

I instantly became a dog-grooming convert...but a cheap one. Professional grooming comes in at around $100 a pop. I won't even spend that much money to get my own hair cut; I'm definitely not going to spend it on a dog! So I took note of what brand of clippers the groomer used (Andis) and promptly bought my own. They paid for themselves after 2 DIY grooming sessions. Admittedly, my technique will never rival that of a professional groomer, but I'll settle for somewhat tidy-looking hair with no detritus in it.

After his most recent haircut by his mom

Everyone who sees Bilbo nowadays marvels at how much cuter he is with short fur. He's even more likable now that he's a bit more hygienic. All this time, I'd been thinking long-haired dogs were the best dogs, but Bilbo was really much improved by the loss of his locks. It's a good thing I didn't name him Samson!