The Face Game

Among my many social ineptitudes, one of them is my terrible memory for faces.

It's a nightmare when I go to my boyfriend's family functions. I'm surrounded by his cousins, most of whom I've met multiple times, and yet I could still swear they're all perfect strangers to me. I survive these kinds of events by putting on my friendliest smile, greeting everyone with enthusiastic hellos and hugs, and basically treating each person like I know exactly who they are and am extremely happy to see them. Mostly I get away with this artifice by dodging meaningful conversation and never calling anyone by their name.

When not at social gatherings, I try to make up for my awkwardness by getting better at facial recognition. I didn't start it on purpose, but somehow I've fallen into the habit of practicing my skills through the diligent study of gossip rags.

The lifestyles of the rich and famous aren't really my thing, but somehow I have gotten on the email lists of many, many women's publications, which seem to love nothing more than that very subject. So I read them. Even a media-clueless nerd like myself can't always resist a headline like "Wow, Meghan Markle Has Gorgeous Handwriting," or "Miley Cyrus Wore a Super Revealing Outfit on 'SNL' Last Night and Twitter Is Losing It," or "Kate Middleton's lessons on being photogenic!" At worst, I can always use the intel for my highly lucrative fashion blog!

So nowadays, when I'm reading a roundup of the best awards-night dresses, I'm not just taking in all the glitter and lace and fashionable eye candy, I'm also scrutinizing every celebrity's face to see if I can match it with a name. I've made it into a game, and I'm not very good at it.

The hardest faces to recognize are the ones that belong to famous families. Try telling apart all the many Kardashians, or remembering which Hadid is Gigi and which one is Bella. The trickiest challenge yet? Figuring out which of the Olsen twins you're looking at! I've been doing this for years, and I still can't remember (though I think it's Ashley who has the rounder eyes).

But still, I persist! I like to think all this intense staring at faces (in the relative safety of the Internet, where there's no risk of accidentally making eye contact!) will make me better at identifying people in real life. But until then, I still have my default awkward greeting to fall back on: "Hi! I have a terrible memory for faces. Have we met before? I'm Valerie."