I
have a name for every houseplant that survives over a year. Despite
having no intention of ever becoming a parent, I still keep a list of
human names that I would enjoy naming a child (so, future parents out
there, consult me first if you're struggling for a name for your little
one). Sometimes I won't publish a blog post until I've cooked up just the
right witty title (like this one—don't miss the double meaning that
will become clear as you read on!).
I once spent a week and a half
mulling over what to call my rabbit. It
had to be the perfect name, because after all, you only get to name
your rabbit once, right? Wrong. The thing that occurred to me today is, I
cannot seem to stop myself from serial nicknaming every animal that
walks into my life.
I name pets after their
species – Hansel is, accordingly, "Rabbity Boy" – and their obvious
attributes – "Fur Boy" – and then when I get bored with these elementary
appellations, I start adding suffixes — like "Rabbitrocious."
I
name pets after their names—Hansel is also "Handsome," Jack Jack is
also "Jackelope." Junior became "Jujubee"; Pumpkin, "Sweet Punky
Doodle"; Tierra, "Erra-erra-erra," and on it goes.
I
have a whole arsenal of nicknames based on traits that I find annoying.
Hansel is also known as "Piglet," thanks to his enormous appetite. Jack
Jack, who is a holy terror, gets the special title of "Little Stupid Stupid," inspired by a hilariously censored radio version of a Big Sean song (sadly, I could not find that version on the Internet).
I
name pets after the sounds they make (Past ones were "Gromble",
"Yomble", "Chuffles," and "Squee", for example) and then go on to
develop variations (including "Grombeezler," "Yombat,"
"Chuffle-uffagus," and "Peebles & Squeeps").
I
even nickname my friends' pets. My former housemate's cat, Nox, was, to
me at least, all sorts of things including "Mr. Knick-Nox." And my
current housemates' dog, Petey, is (only in my mind), Peetricia.
I
just can't seem to stop. Whenever a word for my pets pops into my head,
I feel compelled to adopt it into permanent usage. For every one of the
innumerable pets I've had over the years, I probably have at least 3
alternate names.
Weirdly, I never give
nicknames to people—I rarely even use accepted shortened names. Even my
boyfriend doesn't get anything except the most tame variations of common
terms of endearment. You can't nickname a person without risking the
possibility of causing offense, so I think the main reason I keep my
indefatigable nickname engine restricted to animals only is that, unlike people, a pet
won't object no matter what you call it. Remember "Booger Kitten,"
anyone?
Probably not. I don't think most people
(except my family, who probably had a hand in creating many of the
nicknames mentioned here) know of any of these names...so, I wonder if
this is really something everyone does—hoard a secret library of
alternative names for their animals, that only get used behind the
safety of closed doors?
What do you say, readers? Do your pets get new aliases every month like mine? And if so, what are they?